why he did it
by Merlin fanfics
Summary: Arthur and Gwain survived morganas attacks and are still living a few years later. but Merlin can't live with what he has done!
1. Chapter 1

**warning:** this story contains suicide and is not suitable for younger readers. in no way am i trying to romanticize suicide.

 **authors notes:** This story takes place after season five. Arthur and Gwaine are alive but Mordred and Morgana have died. Arthur has united the lands of Albion. i do not own merlin. enjoy.

He can't take it anymore. it's all to much. All the deaths, the pain. Albion is here and magic is no-longer outlawed, but the ghosts of what he did still haunt him. Its almost been two years since he killed Morgana, since the war was won, since he told Arthur about his magic. Merlin should be happy, extatic even, but he's not. Ever since he poisoned Morgana he blames himself for everything that happened, all the deaths, all the wars, all the distruction. Fuck! Arthur almost died because of him, because all he ever does is mess up. fuck up.

These past few months have been the worst. His smile has dropped, His laugh isn't as loud, his once deep blue eyes are now glossed over covering the sad bloodshot blue that would chill anyone to the bone. he was no-longer Merlin, but the shell of the happy boy he used to be.

People have noticed, noticed that when he thinks no-one is looking he drops his smile, noticed that he no-longer has fun (petty) arguments with Arthur. They notice that day-by-day they are losing their to a dark void that exists only inside of him. Yet, they do nothing. what can they do? Merlin has every right to be like this, he has been through hell and back, no-one can blame him for this. Gwen tried once, tried to help him. He insisted that there was nothing wrong and that she was over-reacting, to tired of fighting Gwen just walked away.

Arthur has been affected the most by Merlins hollowness. Arthur always confined in Merlin, but now, now Arthur is to worried to talk to Merlin about his own problems. How could he? Arthur now knows of everything Merlin went through for him. Losing his father his best friend, the only person he ever loved. It would be wrong on so many levels to talk to Merlin about his problems when Merlin is barely managing with his own.

Merlin hated this. Hated being so distant with Arthur, hated not talking and laughing like they used to. But he couldn't,he tried so hard but faking a smile takes to much effort. Reasurring everyone that you're ok takes to much effort. So he stopped talking, it was easyer that way.

Tonight was going to be the night he finally did it, tonight is going to be the night Merlin is finally going to be released from the pains of living. But first he needs to say his goodbyes.


	2. Gaius

**chapter two: Gaius**

 **Warning:** this story contains mature content which may not be suitable for younger readers. in no way am i trying to romanticize suicide.

 **A/N:** thanks for reading the last chapter. i hope you enjoy this chapter!

slowly slipping out of bed whilst wiping away his salty tears Merlin kneels beside his bed. Moving his blanket out the way Merlin reaches his shaking hand under his bed and pulls out a small wooden box. Inside the box is a small gold dagger that Arthur gave him for Christmas after Morgana had kidnapped him. Slipping the dagger into his belt Merlin set out to say his final goodbyes.

opening his door Merlin suddenly realised what he was doing. was he being selfish? was it cruel of him to leave all of his friends? he knew his friends would miss him but living hurt to much. Everything hurt to much. this is good for everyone. they'll soon forget about him and carry on living their happy, Merlin free, lives.

"Merlin?" an old voice called from in front of him.

Being so preoccupied in his thoughts Merlin failed to notice the old man sat at the table staring at him, worry etched into his old face.

"huh?" exclaimed Merlin, his attention snapping to Gaius.

"Merlin, are you ok?"

Merlin thought about this, what id he meant to say? 'yeah, fine, just about to kill myself.' no! he can't do that to Gaius. He has already caused him enough trouble.

"Merlin?" Gaius questioned worried that Merlin hasn't answered.

"yeah, sorry, i'm fine. just thinking."

"yes i can see that...Merlin you know you can talk to me. you're like a son to me"

"and you are the father i never had. i can assure you everything is just fine."

Merlin walked over to Gaius. Wrapping his slender arms around his mentor and friend. Pulling away Gaius looks deep into Merlin's eyes noticing that they're not as pure as they used to be.

"i just wanted to thank you, thank you for everything. For being my friend and teaching me the beauty of magic. thank you Gaius, thank you."

And with that Merlin left the room that had been his home for years. Gaius had a feeling he wouldn'rt be seing Merlin again as a salty tear ran down his cheek.

one down, five to go.


	3. Leon

**warning:** this story contains mature content and isn't suitable for younger viewers.

 **A/N:** i would just like to say a quick thank you to everyone who has read this fanfic and has followed me. please review this story so i can make the next one better for you guys. this chapter is the longest one so far. Enjoy!

Merlin knew he wanted to say goodbye to everyone, the problem is, how? saying goodbye to Gaius was hard enough but what about Gwaine? Arthur? how could he say goodbye to his destiny, their destiny.

Gwen, he'll start with Gwen. She has always been understanding, caring nut not pushy. no, never pushy. she will listen but not ask to many questions (he hopped.) Ok, that settles it. Merlin will start with Gwen and then go find the knights (they'll most likely be in the armoury) Then...then he will say goodbye to Arthur-if he can.

"Merlin"

Merlin stopped dead in the middle of the corridor. Fuck! no. FUCK. He was meant to talk to Gwen first not Leon.

Merlin span on his heels and greeted Leon with a smile.

"Leon, is there anything you need?"

"um, no. Just wanted to say hello."

"hello" Merlin replied, his patience wairing thin.

Leon observed this, he noticed Merlin's smile didn't seem as bright as it used to be. It actually seemed slightly fake.

"is that all?" Merlin asked, slightly annoyed that Leon was staring at him.

"oh, sorry, yeah sure. i'll see you later i guess"

Merlin nodded slightly and set out to find Gwen...until Leon Spoke up again.

"Merlin, you don't think i'm that stupid do you?"

Fuck.

"you're my friend, i know when something is wrong." Leon's voice was dripping with concern.

Merlin span on his heels again. This time Leon wasn't greeted with a fake smile, actually there was no smile at all. Merlin just stared at him with deep meaning full eyes. He had to say goodbye to Leon. Screw the order! Leon had been his friend for many years, way before Arthur was king, when it wasn't acceptable to be friends with a mear servant. No! he has to say goodbye.

"Leon" Merlin spoke as he walked over to the tall, ginger man. "i'm sorry"

"what for?"

"Leaving"

"what do you mean?"

Merlin couldn't help himself. If one person was trusted to keep a secret, it was Leon. But Merlin couldn't tell him the full truth, Leon would surly tell Arthur before he had the chance to leave. It was to late he already told Leon he was leaving. Shit! why did he say that.

"Merlin?"

there was a pause. both men just stared at each other. At this exact moment Leon knew what his good friend was bound to do. Leon had been afraid of this. Although he had never voiced his concerns, Leon knew Merlin hadn't been himself these past few months and now...now he will have to face the concequences of being silent.

"i'm going to Ealdor to see my mum, she is very i'll and i need to look after her."

"why would you be sorry for that?"

"i may not be coming back."

Leon didn't believe him. Merlin had avoided his gaze and now Leon was sure of what Merlin was going to do. was it any of his business?...yes! yes it was, Merlin is his friend so it's up to Leon to look after him.

"Merlin...don't lie to me"

that made Merlin look up at Leon. By looking at the other mans facial expressions Merlin could tell he knew. what does he do know? is there any point in denying it? maybe if he denied it enough Leon would believe him.

"i don't know what you're on about. i'm going to Ealdor to help my mother."

"Merlin..please"

with those two words Merlin almost let everything spill out him like water from a tap. He was so close to telling Leon, to getting help. But he couldn't. If he told Leon, Leon would surly tell Arthur and then Merlin wouldn't be able to say goodbye.

"Leon, honestly. i have no clue what you're on about."

"i can see it in your eyes Merlin. you've lost faith in this world, lost hope in living."

Merlin let out a loud (slightly over-the-top) laugh to prove his point. Leon was taken aback by this. this was no laughing matter!

"ahhhh Leon. you really crack me up. do you honestly think i want to kill myself?"

there was no response.

"i promise you nothing is wrong, i don't want to hurt myself, i'm just going to Ealdor."

Leon still had the feeling Merlin was lying, but what could he do? Merlin has always been a happy, cheerful young man who tried to see the best in everyone. If he told anyone they would think he's mad (especially if Merlin keeps denying it as strongly as he is.) Instead Leon pulled the young boy into a hug. Merlin let this happen as he trusted Leon and if he was being hones, he wanted a hug right now (desperately.)

"i'll miss you"

"and i you"

Leon released Merlin and watched the young man as he walked away until he was out of sight.

Two down, four to go.


	4. Gwen

**warning:** this story contains mature content that isn't suitable for younger readers. in no way am i trying to romanticize suicide.

 **A/N:** thanks to everyone who has read and is continuing to rad this story. don't forget to review or ask questions so i can make the story better. cheers, enjoy!

"ahh, Merlin. Just the person i wanted to see."

Walking into Gwen's chambers Merlin didn't know what to expect, he certainly didn't expect Gwen to be stood beside her wooden dining table with an ugly yellow dress sprawled across it.

"can you fix it?" inquired Gwen noticing how Merlin was eyeing the dress (if you could call it that.)

"Gwen i'm a sorcerer, not a tailor...or a miracle worker for that matter."

Gwen chuckled lightly at Merlin's all to familiar (but recently un-present) sarcasm. She had miss that more than she realised. Only now when she laughed with him did she fully understand how much Merlin had changed through the years of knowing him. He had came to Camelot a young, slightly naive young man but then he grew up, almost to fast. One day he was a happy joyful man, the next his smile had dropped like he suddenly realised how much death and destruction he had caused (even if he had everybody's best intentions in mind.) But he never stopped caring for his friends, his family. That's why Gwen loved him, no matter what he went through (that she now knows is alot) he would always put his friends health and saftey before his own.

"please there must be something you can do"

"you know Gwen, since coming to Camelot i have seen all manners of abominations...but that dress. It is by far the worst."

"Merlin!" Gwen laughed as she wrapped her skinny coco arms around her mini waist

"i'm sorry it's just" Merlin bursted out laughing.

"ugly" Gwen finished for him.

Merlin nodded as a real smiled formed on his lips. Gwen always knew how to make him smile even when he didn't want was kind of scary.

"Merlin please"

"i'll see what i can do. i may be a powerful sorcerer but this may be beyond me."

Gwen gave him the look. The look that meant 'Merlin don't fuck with me.' Merlin has seen this look few times but it always messed him up.

"Nu meaht pu begalan"

Merlin's eyes turned a piercing gold as the once ugly yellow dress had now transformed into a beautiful teal green with hand embedded jewels all around the neckline. Merlin was extremely pleased when Gwen floated out from behind the blind. She looked stunning with the dress wrapping around her slender figure perfectly.

"Merlin, it's beautiful"

"thank you, i'm a man of many talents."

"i don't know why Arthur didn't see that before."

Merlin's grin dropped so suddenly it almost took Gwen by surprise. By the mention of Arthur, Merlin remembered why he was here. He wasn't meant to be laughing or feeling happy. He had become so numb recently he forgot how good it felt to smile, laugh. Gwen had to go ruin it by mentioning Arthur, whenever he thinks of Arthur, Merlin remembers how it was his fault Arthur died. It was Merlin's fault that the dragon was released, it was his fault Morgana turned evil, it was Merlin's fault that Mordred stabbed Arthur. If Merlin just killed that small druid boy non of that would of happened. it's all Merlins fault!

a single unwanted tear falls down Merlin's cheek.

"Merlin, i'm sorry"

"goodbye Gwen"

three down, three to go.


	5. Percival

**Warning:** this story contains mature content that isn't suitable for younger readers. in no way am i trying to romanticize suicide.

 **A/N:** hey, thank you to the people who are now following me an have left reviews, this is the first fanfiction i have ever written so i am extremely happy that you're enjoying it.

Arthur would surly be in his chambers by now, so the question was where to find Gwaine and Percival? ...the armoury. it's not like they'll have anything better to do than polish their swords. Ever since Arthur united the land of Albion the knights haven't had much to do. Obviously there was the odd creature that needed to be slayed but appart from that not much has happened. There have been no was and most people with the gift of magic are no longer angry at the Pendragon as he has lifted his fathers ban of sorcery. They had nothing to do.

As expected when walking into the armoury Percival was sat on a bench sharpening his sword. Merlin honestly didn't know why, Percival could crush a knights skull with his bare hands (even is that knight was wearing a helmet.)

"Percival, how are you this evening?"

"i'm good thank you, just had to lead training with Sir Gwaine as The king and Sir Leon were at a meating only the highest lords and ladies of the court could attend."

Percival was never much of a talker but slowly after Gwaine almost died he started to open up more, tried to connect with his fellow knights (although it never really made a difference to Merlin as they had always been plesent to each other.) Percival and Gwaine's friendship had changed after their encounter with Morgana, they had gotten really close. Merlin realised this but never questioned it, he was supportive of his friends no matter what.

"where is Gwaine?" Merlin inquired knowing Gwaine was the next person he wanted to talk to.

" i believe he is still outside trying to get some extra training in, i think he want to beat our king at the next tournament."

"that shouldn't be to hard, i could beat Arthur in a tournament."

"yes Merlin but you have magic, it wouldn't be a fair fight."

"that's fine by me." Merlin laughed with his friend.

they sat there for a moment in silence, it wasn't an awkward silence like you would expect. it was actually kind of comforting for Merlin, being able re-play all the amazing times he had with Percival with the comfort of knowing he was sat next to him. it was nice, but scary. How could he feel so...so peaceful when he knew what he was about to do in a couple hours will break that mans heart.

"well i best be off"

Percival stood up sword in one arm and turned to face the slender man behind him (who was still sat on the bench.

"It was nice catching up with you Merlin. We should do this again sometime, preferably not so late at night. we could for a ride through the woods, you me and Gwaine, would you like that?"

"i look forward to it."

Merlin stayed seated as he watched the biggest of the knights leave the armoury with his head held high and a smile on his lips. Merlin sat a little while longer before leaving the find Gwaine. oh how Merlin prayed Gwaine wasn't in the tavern.

Four down, two to go.


	6. Gwaine

**Warning:** this story contains mature content that may not be suitable for younger readers. in no way am i trying to romanticize suicide.

 **A/N:** thanks to everyone who has followed me and reviewed, this is the last chapter before Merlin goes to talk to Arthur soooooooooo enjoy!

Walking outside in search for his friend Merlin only noticed how dark it had gotten, the chill of the nights air had hit Merlin, like water on fire. Wrapping his arms around himself, Merlin walked further into the training grounds in hope of finding Gwaine. Stalking deeper into the patch of grass high above the court yard a shadowy figure started to emerge from the black of the night.

"Gwaine?" Merlin called out hoping for some form of response.

"Merlin!" Gwaine shouted

Jogging towards his friend, Gwaine's hair started to bounce effortlessly his smile as entrancing as ever. Gwaine stopped just in front of the raven haired boy visibly pleased to see Merlin.

"to what do i owe the pleasure?"

Apart from Arthur, Gwaine had always been his closest friend for so many years. Although he is pissed off his head most the time Gwaine was always there for his friends especially the tall slender sorcerer. Merlin got so caught up in the moment that he all to suddenly latched onto Gwaine like his life depended on it. Confused by his friends sudden attachment to him, Gwaine started to process what was happening and put a re-assuring hand on Merlin's back. The comfort made Merlin want to cry again but he restrained himself.

Pulling back Gwaine took a few seconds to study Merlin's facial features to find out why Merlin had hugged him so desperately.

"Merlin...are you ok?"

"honestly. No"

This concerned Gwaine as he never liked to see Merlin upset or hurt.

"What is it? Merlin please, i'm always here for you"

"i'm just..i have to leave here."

"why? where are you going?"

"honestly i don't know."

"I can come with you, we could go together somewhere far away."

Gwaine has always been willing to drop everything for Merlin. he had been the first person in Camelot to show him kindness and made Gwaine feel welcomed. Gwaine never forgot that, even when he was made a knight and deemed higher than Merlin he never changed.

"i can't ask you to do that, Camelot needs you, Arthur needs you. You're an amazing warrior, your talents are at better use here."

"You know i'd drop everything for you?"

"and i you, but you can't come with me, not this time."

"i shall miss you."

Merlin latched onto his friend again but this time Gwaine didn't have to process anything, he hugged Merlin just as fiercely. Neither man wanted to let go as they knew as soon as they did their friendship would be over.

"I'm sorry" Merlin murmured into the knights shoulder.

pulling away from his friend Merlin started to walk back into the castle that had once been his home.

five down, one to go.


	7. Arthur

**Warning:** this story contains mature content that isn't suitable for younger readers. in no way am i trying to romanticize suicide.

 **A/N:** thanks for all the support. it's finally here, Merlin is going to talk to Arthur. BTW for those of you who want to know or don't want to read it Merlin's suicide will be next chapter.

Fuck, he can't do it! ughhh, just open the door Merlin. it's not that fucking hard! Reach your arm out, tuen the handle then push. Why won't his arm push. FUCK!

ok..ok, his hand is pushing the door slightly, now step in. Great! now his feet aren't moving. Still on the wrong side of the door Merlin hadn't noticed the king eyeing his door from the table he was sat at.

"Merlin, i know you're an idiot but i never would of guessed you were so incompetent that you couldn't open a door."

Merlin froze where he stood. Why did Arthur have to be such a prat. Well he hasn't really got a choice right now. Pushing the wooden door open he could see Arthur sat at the head of his table, staring at him with his finger resting on the table intertwined. Then silence, Merlin was avoiding eye contact but he could feel Arthur's pure blue eyes burning into his cheek.

"so..Ealdor."

"leon!" Merlin muttered under his breath.

"and why did i not know about this."

"well ummm." think you twat think. "i thought you would busy you know...being the king and all."

"Merlin, you know i care for Hunith and would happily go with you to help her."

Merlin knew this, Arthur saw Hunith as a mother of his own, what's he supposed to say? 'Sorry Arthur i thought you were a soulless clotpole that didn't care.' Even though some (most) of those statements were true he couldn't say that.

"i hoped you thought higher of me."

there was a hint of pain in Arthur's voice. This caught Merlin's attention compelling him to move and comfort his friend.

"no,no,no, i don't think that" Merlin begged rushing to Arthur's side, Arthur slowly stood up (arms crossed) facing his friend.

"then why would you assume i didn't want to go."

Merlin gave no reply.

"do you think i'm some sort of selfish asshole who wouldn't help his friend. is that what you think of me? i thought you were different, i thought you trusted me, didn't see me as your king but a friend. I guess i was wrong, but what i don't understand is-"

"STOP! stop"

Merlin was pleading for Arthur to stop speaking so lowly of himself. Arthur didn't reply but raised an eye brow as a gesture that Merlin can continue.

"I'm not going to Ealdor, My mum isn't ill. i Lied"

"why?"

"I'm just leaving for a little bit, going traveling. I know you don't like it when i leave for no specific reason so i lied about Hunith being ill."

"ok... you know you could of told me the truth."

"i'm sorry"

Arthur leaned against his table and prossesed this infomation.

"well um..when will you be back?"

once again Merlin didn't reply.

"Merlin?"

"i'm not coming back" Merlin whispered in a weak voice.

"what! why?"

"i can't"

Arthur was searching Merlin for answers. Merlin couldn't just leave for no good reason, he had told Arthur about the great dragon and how it was Merlin's destiny to help Arthur unite the lands of Albion. and Merlin had done that but it dosen't mean he can leave. Then Arthur thoughts stopped all to suddenly, his eyes had found there way to a dagger stored tightly in Merlin's belt. All the pieces were fitting together and it made a horrid picture. Merlin wasn't coming back because he couldn't, because he wasn't going anywhere in Albion, because Merlin was going to kill himself.

Merlin had noticed Arthur's still-ness, but failed observe what he was looking at. In an extremely slow movement Arthur pointed at the dagger hanging from Merlin's belt.

"what is that?" he croaked

Looking to see what Arthur was pointing at, Merlin realised (to his horror) his dagger was in plain sight.

"i'm sorry Arthur."

"Merlin" Arthur stepped closer "don't do anything crazy"

"i'll miss you"

Before Arthur had a chance to process those words Merlin had sprinted out of his chambers and was heading for the clostest tower. Realising what was about to happen Arthur followed screaming Merlin's name pleading for him to 'stop' and 'think about this.'

Arthur wouldn't lose Merlin, he couldn't.


	8. The end

**Warning:** this story contains mature contents and is not suitable for younger readers. in no way am i trying to romanticize suicide.

 **A/N:** this is it, the final chapter. i really hoped i have done this story and ending justice. please follow me so you can read my other stories and tell me what you did/didn't like in the reviews so i can make it better next time. thanks for all the support.

Making a sharp turn round yet another corner Merlin could hear Arthur shouting for him to 'stop' to 'think about this.' What Arthur didn't know is how much Merlin had thought about this, he had spent nights sat on his bed thinking, thinking about anything and everything. Arthur didn't need him anymore, he had Gwen, the knights, the lords and ladies of the court. Arthur would be fine without him, Albion was here so Merlin didn't have to be. He had done his job and now he wished, more than anything, that it would be over.

Sprinting up another flight of stairs Merlin could hear Arthur's voice getting closer. Fuck! if he didn't hurry up Arthur would catch him and frankly he didn't want that conversation.

Bursting though a door he has seen many times before Merlin was extremely great full that now a spiral stair case lied in-front of him. Jumping up the stairs two at a time Arthur's voice was still tinging in his head. At the top of the stairs there was another door that lead to the top a space on the top of the castles wall.

Running outside Merlin slammed his back against the door. "hurz afl shre" Merlin whispered locking the door miller seconds before Arthur started attacking the door as if it were an old enemy.

"Merlin don't do this please! please i'm begging you! i can't lose you! Merlin, MERLIN."

The cries of the king were so sorrowful and pleading, even the most wicked of people would tear up at the scene unfolding upon Camelots walls.

Merlin slowly walked further away from the door, soft rain was pouring down his face as he pulled the dagger from his belt. slowly Merlin made his way over to the wall sinking down and lent against it. Rolling his sleeve up Merlin stared at his unmarked flesh ad the sort cries of Arthur seeped through the door. Then...nothing. Merlin just sat there staring at his skin trying to ignore his kings heart wrenching pleas.

Leaning his head back, eyes facing the sky, Merlin bit his lip in anticipation of what pain was soon to come. it would hurt now but the release he would feel after it would be worth it, he knew it would. Shutting his eyes tight he forced his right had to push the tip of the dagger to his skin, the pressure in his hand built until he heard a quick rip followed by blood pouring out of his arm. Head still facing the heavens, Merlin let out a horrid cry as he pulled the dagger towards his chest (the dagger still firmly imbeded in his skin.)

Using his shoulder as a hammer, Arthur kept slamming it into the door hoping, praying, that it would open. He wouldn't let this happen, he wouldn't let Merlin die. Not like this, alone and scared, Merlin deserved better. Arthur kept ramming his shoulder into the wall, he wasn't going to give up on his friend that easily.

Faintly smiling, Merlin felt his warm, thick blood leaving him. The release he felt in that moment was more than he had been granted in ages. He was at peace. A single tear dropped from his eye as he smiled to himself. Moving his head ever so slightly to face the old door he had just ran from, another smile formed on his lips knowing Arthur would get over his death and be the king Albion needed. Merlin was proud of his friend and would die happy.

Just as Merlin's vision had started to blur, Arthur had finally got through the door and was running over to his now lifeless friend. That was the last thing Merlin saw before he died, Arthur running to him, then everything turned black.

"NO! NOOOOO!" Arthur screamed as he ran to his friend.

Crashing into the wall, Arthur fell into a heap on the floor at the sight of Merlin. Tears rolled down Arthur's face as he tugged on Merlin's body hoping for any form of response.

"Why? Why would you do this to me? i need you! please"

Hugging Merlin's cold body, Arthur screamed, Arthur screamed the loudest, saddest, most hones scream you have ever heard. And the scream belonged to Arthur, a strong, wise king was now screaming as if his whole world had fallen in front of him.

Arthur needed Merlin more than he had realised and now he has lost his other half. He felt the world crumble beneath him. What was the point of ruling Albion if Merlin wasn't their with him? Albion was as much Merlin's as it was his. Arthur could feel his heart breaking and it hurt, he knew he wouldn't be able to fix it, not this time.

Arthur had been betrayed a lot throught his life, Morgana, Mordred, his father. But non were as bad as this. Merlin was meant to stay with him, guide him, but he left. Just like everyone else Merlin had left.

"I love you, please, please don't leave me"

Arthur cried into Merlin's neck, Arthur cried into Merlin's neck until the rain had stopped, Arthur had cried into Merlin's neck until the sun had rised. He had begged and pleaded but his words had fallen onto deaf ears because Merlin was dead. And he was never coming back.


End file.
